OK. Some of you may think I’m kidding, but I assure you I am not. I thought I would give you your chuckle for the day. I sort of sat back lately and wondered WHAT IS UP with all the available losers on the market today?! I’m serious. TONS o’ LOSERS. Just to give you a glimpse into ‘life after divorce dating’, I’ve compiled a list of the general traits/qualities of the guys that appear to be ‘lookin’ for love’ these days. All of these are real. I’ve experienced each at least once.
So, let’s assume I start out with a guy that is relatively attractive (at least he is to me), and decide to go on a date with them. Go ahead and select 1 quality, from each of the sections. A total of 3. This will show you the type of guy I come across frequently. You can mix and match these...but at a minimum, select 3. This is seriously the dating pool I’m working with…. For the most part. Don’t get me wrong. Every now and then, I come across the guy that only has like 1 or 2 of these going for him… but in the end, I’m holding out for someone that really has none of this crap in his life… Maybe it’s asking too much??? Personally, I don’t think so. I’m BUSY!
SECTION 1
1. They have 5 plus kids. Now, yes… we may have been told to ‘multiply’ and replenish the earth. I, however, can not (WILL NOT) EVER be a mother to THAT MANY kids! I am BARELY a good mother to my two boys. How on EARTH would I manage a ‘Brady Bunch’?!
2. Married multiple times, each ex wife bringing her own special brand of ‘crazy’ to the table.
3. Restraining Orders or massive misdemeanor activity on their record. – Yes, I know how to find this out. Seriously, you’d be surprised what guys curiously ‘forget’ to mention when you are dating…
4. Very vague when responding to questions about why they got divorced. RED FLAG. I typically interpret this as a ‘porn addict’. Most fess up if they’ve been unfaithful… SO, it leads me to the other conclusion if they don’t really want to divulge the reason for the split.
SECTION 2
5. Propose marriage on the 2nd date. YOU ARE THE ONE FOR ME. Surprisingly, they can’t figure out WHY I’m just not that into them by the 2nd date… peculiar, I know.
6. Major debt – and clueless about how to climb their way out. Don’t get me wrong, I know 90% of guys get royally screwed in a divorce. I guess I can understand living on credit… a little. But come on...if you are carrying tons of it 5 years after the divorce…there just ain’t much hope for you.
7. No long term goals – no vision for planning for retirement (trust me, my 401K can’t support us both for 20 years!)
8. Can’t afford the 10$ a month to subscribe to the dating site. Look, if you can’t find 10 bucks in the couch cushions…chances are, you can’t afford to take me on a real date.
SECTION 3
9. Big fat bald guys looking for a super model. WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the pickiest chick on the planet…but I’d venture a guess and say that if you are 5’9 and 275 pounds, you have NO BUSINESS expecting a 5’3 size zero super model to be ALL over you.
10. Decide to stalk you, even though you’ve made it clear that there is not, and never will be, ANY HOPE for a future between us. This has only happened once…but man, how blunt do you have to be to get them to QUIT?!
11. A guy that posts one little fuzzy picture, but demands you send him at least 15 shots of yourself, from every angle, in every light setting... I mean give me a break dude. You are OLD AND BALD. I have 12 pictures up as it is. It’s NOT ME that is being less than forward about who I am.
12. ZERO personality. One guy seemed okay on the phone...but dang, he was as dry as a chicken that’s been in the oven for 12 days. BRUTAL.
13. They have some variation of the following:
a. No Jobb. Lost their job recently (which they only had for a few months anyway)
c. Earn minimum wage, pay it all to the 2 ex wives in child support for 5 kids
d. Still trying to decide what they want to be when they grow up (*most are already 35+ years old)
This is just the tip of the iceberg folks. I’m being dead serious. It never ceases to amaze me though at the poor gene pool I’m fishing from for my future companion…
So, there you have it. This is why you should NOT expect a relationship out of me for quite some time. Just haven’t committed to settling at this point.
If you happen to know of a new pond to fish from though, please, do tell.
9 comments:
ROFL! Ryan's sister got divorced awhile ago and I cannot believe the losers she has managed to find. The fact that losers is all she has to pick from makes MUCH more sense. I am so sorry, Tiff!! Sucks. You really do have slim pickins'.
You want to hear something funny? I think Ryan's sisters' ex-husband actually emailed me! He saw that you and I were friends on facebook and sent me a note. HAHAHAHAHA
That was seriously the funniest post ever! It's just like before we were married, but multiplied by 100! Esp. the part of them being fat and bald and wanting you to be size 2. Oh and make sure you can cook and clean, and also read your scriptures every day, but don't be afraid to give a bj 4 times a day, or they'll turn to "other" means of enjoyment! poor you. I'll share Ried with you, if you get desperate(you're the ONLY one I would do that for).
Awww Nic. You know I'm just here for your enjoyment. Glad you got a laugh. I have 3 guys I'm considering going out on ONE date with right now. Deciding if it's worth the energy. hahahaha Hopefully they are closer to normal than the others have been... :)
Yikes! Well written and hilarious! I guess it's obvious why they are still in the pool. I'm sorry for ya! In my first single's ward there were some real winners who were approaching 40 (don't ask me why they were allowed to stay in a YSA ward). Did they want anything to do with the women in their age range? No! They wanted to date the 18-20 year olds (who looked like models)!
Tiff! I love you. This was the funniest/saddest thing I have read in a long time (more funny than sad, I think). Why are men so freaking retarded? I KNOW most single women aren't that crazy. Nic's comment was hilarious. Sorry it is so ROUGH out there! But, I am confident that if there is a good guy out there, the universe will deliver him right to you!!
Oh my gosh! That is funny. I don't miss the whole dating scene. You couldn't pay me to have to find "the one" again. Good luck!
ps. I also love reading your posts. They are hillarious!
That sucks!! Sorry to hear that but glad you can keep a sense of humor about it. Good luck!
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